Wednesday 7 November 2012

The Following Days

This next blog contains information about procedures and women's things LOL. If you are easily offended or squeamish don't read!

Didn't sleep too well as you can imagine. Snuggled up to Dylan for most of the night and cried. It hurts so much seeing Dylan so upset. He just keeps crying and I can't make it better. I can't think of the what if's I simply have to survive this and fight it as hard as I can.
Glen is ok, I don't really think he understands, but he is quite a private person and we later found out he had told no-one at school what was happening.

Today is the 28th October. It is my brother James' birthday and he is coming over to sit with Glen while I go for a CT Scan at the hospital and chest xray. It is amazing that once you have cancer written on your notes how quickly you get tests done!

Before I went to the hospital I had to make some phone calls. Firstly I rang Michelle. She cried, I cried and it was one of the hardest phone calls I had to make. Later on at the hospital we saw Darren and he told us that Michelle had rung him in tears. Hate hearing that my friends and family are sad. Next I rang Elaine. she has battled breast cancer twice so I knew that she would know exactly how I felt.
The previous day I had had a visit from my Aunty Marg. She had been in Asda shopping when I rang her and came straight over. Together we rang my Nan (she had also beat Breast Cancer). Nana said "Whatever they offer you take it, don't give up". I took her advice!
I decided instead of calling other people I would text. I apologised that people were receiving such crap news in a text, but ringing everyone would have been exhausting.
I rang Glen's school however as I needed to know he would be looked after. It was half term so at least he had some time with us.

I have cancer. The words are really easy to say. I don't feel ill, but somehow this morning I feel different. Is everyone looking at me knowing what is growing inside me? I can't imagine that I have a tumour, I am thinking of it as just some cells. If I picture it as a tumour it becomes too scary.
D and I went off for my scan. I changed into a rather fetching gown and posed for a photo opportunity! I had a needle put into the back of my hand so they could later inject dye. The nurse doing it asked why I was having the scan. I replied "I have cancer". See really easy to say, not to easy to sink in.
I laid on the couch. went through the "doughnut" and listened to the instructions from the radiographer. "Breathe in, hold it, breathe away". Then the dye was injected. Not a pleasant experience. It makes your head warm, your mouth dry and also makes you feel like you have wet yourself. With my exsisting bladder problem that is not a feeling you want when you haven't got your tena lady on LOL.
After the scan I had a chest x ray to see if there was any spread and to check if I was ok to go for surgery.

We left the hospital and drove home. we collected James and Glen and decided to go out for lunch somewhere. We went to the Village Hotel, but James had no signal on his phone there and was on call, so we tried the 2 for 1 at notcutts and were told we had to wait a hour. so then we tried the Early Bird at Tesco, but they had stopped serving food as by now it was 3pm. so we went into Tesco bought some Gammon steaks and D cooked at home.

For most of the evening I slept on and off. Tomorrow I have my appointment with Mr Devaja the Gynae-Oncologist. Maybe he will tell me it has all been a mistake and there is no cancer.

Thursday morning the 29th. Glen stayed at home on his X Box and me and D went back to the hospital. Luckily we only live down the road so it's not far. We went to the Peggy Wood Breast Clinic where the appt was to be held. I had to fill in the first of many forms. One question which in the following weeks/months/years I would never have to worry about again "Are you pregnant?"
The clinic was running behind so the nurse told us to go and have a cuppa and come back. Those hospital corridors are mighty long when you are in a daze.

We went back to the clinic and were called in. Mr Devaja greeted us (he is rather easy on the eye!) and introduced us to Nellie and Keli the Mcmillan nurses. He went through my notes and confirmed that yes I did have cancer and it was the rare form of Cervical Cancer. Well it would be wouldn't it!?
He said the tumour (the first time I had heard that word) was behind my cervix and that is why Mr Goodman had been so sure that I didn't have it. He drew a diagram and then he told me my options. Well there was only really one. A Radical Hysterectomy. This next bit is a bit personal so if you want skip it! A radical hysterectomy is what it says "Radical". I would have my womb, ovaries, pelvic tissue and the top of my vagina removed. This would help insure the cancer would not return. He asked if we had finished our family. D and I had spoken about it. We had a 15 yr old and hadn't been successful in having any more children. Many of you know how many times we tried! There was a fleeting thought that maybe I could have one more child, but it wasn't that realistic.
Do you know hard it is to be told your child bearing days are over when you are 36? I could never give Dylan another child, ever.
Dylan said he would rather have me then a child he didn't know and that we had Glen, but it was still a tough decision.

So an appointment was made for the following Wednesday to measure my tumour. I would be in for the day and they would examine me internally and "stage" my tumour. This is when you find out what stage your cancer is and how big your tumour is and if it has spread. I then went for more bloods and another chest x ray.

So home again. Home to think, but not of the what if's. I am going to have surgery. It will be scary. It will be hard, but I will not give up. I am a Mum, Wife, Sister, daughter-inlaw, Grandaughter, Niece, Cousin and Friend I have too much I still need to do.
You notice I didn't say I am a daughter. That is because I have nothing to do with my Mother and my father is dead. even now my Mother does not know I have had cancer.

So hospital next Wednesday for the start of many visits! My head is all over the place. I am still not ill but I have cancer.

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